Feedback.... it's long ...deal with it <img src=\'http://www.killanet.net/forum3/public/s ... #>/dry.gif\' class=\'bbc_emoticon\' alt=\'<_<\' />
based on a true personal story
English and gammer should be correct PLEASE tell me if somethin isn't correct or if you think there are paragraphs I can edit out
[quote]As humans, we sometimes visualize what will occur in certain situations before the situation even becomes reality. It is just the nature of the human race to be curious about the future, and to plan for it as best and perfect as possible. My problem occurs when I realize that things rarely go the way I want them to go, and the plan just becomes wishful thinking. Doubt becomes my worst enemy and begins a treacherous cycle of negativity which ultimately brings me from an okay life down to a state of dejection and hopelessness well before I even give myself a chance. Just like any other situation, this one had no exceptions to my pessimistic thinking.
It was late at night, and I had finally made my way into bed in my dorm room. The entire band had been staying in the same dorm that week on a campus away from our own homes. The black soundless dorm room had made it one of the best places for me to collect my thoughts in the past week much like my own room did for me at home, so I lied down in my bed to think of what was to come of the last day of our pre-season band camp. Last year’s band camp filled my head instead, and I started to get warm with embarrassment at some of the thing things I had done in my freshmen year of high school. Thoughts from the first time I tried to take a step forward in a marching style to making mistakes and being called out over the speakers swamped my thinking, but the biggest thing I could remember was the mistake I made in our drill down competition.
Drill down was the name of our band competition that determined who was the best marcher inside the band aside from the section leaders. The award was the most anticipated and most respected award that was given all year long in the band program. The winner of this was usually an upper classmen that had been in the band program for several years and had plenty experience.
Seeing the mistake again from last year overwhelmed me so much that I could feel the touch of the warm hand that touched my shoulder, and crushed all my feelings of accomplishment. I could also hear the voice of the staff member as he said, “You need work on your backwards march, maybe next year.” This was absolutely devastating to me, but I recovered eventually keeping in mind that next year was going to be here soon enough.
This is my year, I thought, and I began to feel like I was on the field. I could smell the grass clippings from the morning grass cut and the freshly sprayed paint that marked the yard lines. I could vividly see us all lined up in a four step interval block formation ready to begin the competition with the staff members on the outside ready to go around and tap the students on the shoulder to end their competition. As we were called to attention, I saw a staff member walk in my direction. It was inevitable, I knew I was gone. “Better luck next year,” I heard him say and walk away as he taped my shoulder. Dead with anxiety, I fell into a hard disgusted sleep.
Early the next morning we were woken up by the traditional drum cadence throughout the dorm halls. Everyone quickly got ready because we all knew that today was the day of the famous drill down. As we quietly warmed up our muscles to prepare ourselves for the day, I visualized the drill down again, but this time it ended a little better. I saw myself making it to the third round of cuts, but I was still displeased with this and immediately forced it out my head. Eventually our section leader, Elise, broke the morning silence with a loud sarcastic “GOODMORNING” followed by a grumble in reply from the tired and worn out section.
Elise was a senior mellophone player and an excellent marcher. She was also a very pretty girl around the age of seventeen at the time. I looked up to her for a lot of things from life situations to band things such as learning how to play and march. Her playing ability on the mellophone was just astounding. The way she played her instrument so soft and soothingly would make people stop and turn just to watch and listen much like people do when they see an eagle flying above or a deer that pokes it’s head out in broad daylight. Her impeccable marching style was also one to note considering that she was last year’s winner of the drill down competition. She was an amazing section leader, as well an amazing friend during my times of need that particular year.
The director called us up together to explain what we were doing for that morning’s rehearsal and the day’s schedule. We lined up in a block formation with each person exactly four steps away from each other just as the sun was just coming over the surrounding buildings making the glare almost unbearable. During our morning rehearsal, staff members walked throughout the band to take note of certain marching skills each band member possessed. They were looking for things that they could remember to look for in the later drill down block to tap people out.
After an hour of marching our basic fundamentals, our Vice-Principle of the school, whom was also a staff member, came up to me and said that he had placed his staff bets on me for the afternoon drill down. Immediately I looked at him and asked,
“Why?”
He gave me a confused look and said, “Because you are one of the best marchers out here, and I think you can win this today. I never lose this bet, you know that.”
Then he walked off with a smile on his face back to the sidelines to continue watching other people around the band. The morning block came to an end and we marched to the cafeteria for our final band camp breakfast.
I sat down in the old dark dreary cafeteria with a plate of eggs and began to eat while waiting for my friends to join me at the table.
“Hey fellow good marcher,” I heard coming from the distance.
I turned around to see who was talking to me, and I saw Elise walking towards me. She sat down right next to me and said, “You are lookin pretty good out there on that field you know that?”
“Really?” I said questionably awaiting more response from her.
“Yeah, I think you have a good shot at winning the drill down today.”
Confused by the sudden praise from a well respected member as well as a well respected staff member, I replied, “Thanks, I hope I do have a shot.”
As she walked away I wondered if I really did have a shot at winning the competition. I knew Mr. Moreaux was usually correct when he picked someone to win the drill down competition, and Elise knew what she was talking about because she had seen me march all week long. I immediately began to see that field once more in my head with it’s strong smells and rich atmosphere. This time I could see myself and only two other people left standing on the field awaiting commands. The noise from the screaming band members on the side line was ear piercing, and began to distract me from the competition itself. I could hear my section chanting my name over and over again. The Drill instructor called out the command, “mark-time four for nothing, forward march eight, rock step back eight, rock-step forward until you get a halt.” He gave his tempo with the striking of the wooden block. The tempo was around one hundred and fifty beats per minute I figured. “Mark time Mark” he screamed and I began to follow the commands.
“Hey, what you doing? You okay?”
“Oh! Yeah, I’m ok, Jade”, I said as I shook my head trying to come out of my day dreaming.
“I thought you were going to fall out your chair for a minute there!” , Jade said with bit of a laugh in her voice.
“I’m okay, I was just thinking about some stuff.” I said hoping she would forget about it quickly.
Breakfast had come and gone in no time at all. Now it was time for the show down. The band director, Mr. Adams, gathered us up inside the band hall just a few feet from doors that led to the outside field. He told us the rules, and introduced who the drill instructor would be for the competition, Mr. Moreaux. Mr. Adams led us outside to the field and it was just as I had anticipated. I could smell the grass just freshly cut and the fumes from the paint that was just put down this morning. The band members quickly fell inline in a four step interval block in the attention position. The competition had begun.
Mr. Moreaux announced the bets placed by the staff on who would win the competition. He began with the least amount of votes to the highest amount of votes. The running placed me in first place with ten overall staff votes. In second place was Mark, who had five staff votes. Mr. Moreaux called us down into a relax position and called us back up to attention. Immediately about thirty people were tapped out for bad posture or breaking attention with movement of some sort. He announced over the speaker the first drill, “Mark time eight and halt.” It was a simple drill just to see who could hold up their nerves.
After about ten rounds of drill there I was standing among ten other band members. The sweat was pouring down my face and down my back as the hot sun beat down on us all. The other members were on the sidelines yelling and shouting for their friends giving them encouragement. The drill had increased in intensity and was up to a grueling speed. Mr. Moreaux said the next drill in a loud intensifying voice, “Box eights.” The Box was one of the hardest fundamentals we did especially at a fast tempo. The sidelines roared louder with encouragements for the people still left as the wooden block started to over shadow the cheering.
“MARK TIME MARK!” He yelled signaling the begging of the drill. “Forward eight!” I said to myself as my feet did the work. “Right slide eight!” I thought as I got to the pivot point. “Back eight, half way” I again continued to say to myself as the cheers became more evident in my head. “To the left” I whispered in tempo with a soft almost unspoken voice. “Forward eight again” I thought as I finished the drill.
The crowd suddenly became completely silent as now only a few select staff members walked through to tap people out at the end of the drill. I could see them coming my way. I didn’t move a muscle. They taped out the people on both sides of me, but not me. “Condense the block” They exclaimed. We closed the holes and formed one straight line with only two of us left, Mark and myself.
“Same drill, but backwards” Mr. Moreaux said. I suddenly became very nervous and scared. The crowed began to chant my name so loudly that I couldn’t even hear the chats for Mark. The tempo rang out over the field and the cheers suddenly stopped. It was silent. “Mark Time Mark” as called out, but this time it was much less of a boom in my ears. I could feel my heart beating every beat like a bass drum keeping tempo. As fast as the drill began the drill ended. I couldn’t’ believe that I had just finished the finial round of the drill down. Mr. Moreaux had the pick this time being the drill down instructor. He stood in the middle of us both and quietly told us what a good job we both had done. The sidelines were silent as if they were all called to the attention position, but my heart sounded as if it would wake the dead. Mr. Moreaux started giving his closing remarks before he proclaimed the winner. He left both of us in the attention position and neither of us dared to move an inch. After his remarks were over, he began to declare the winner.
“After much thought, observations, and intensive drill, I have made a decision on the winner of this year’s drill down competition.”
He walked back over and stood between us with Mark on his left and me on his right. He picked up his right hand from his side and reached over to tap one of us on the shoulder. I felt his warm hand touch my shoulder as he said, “I thought you would win. You were looking the best, but that last run just didn’t do it. I’m sorry.” The sidelines cheered and everyone stood up to go back to their dorms to pick up and go home. I had been once again crushed.
Since this day, I have learned a lot about life in general and about mind control. I learned to stay in control of my own thoughts, as well as my actions. The next year I succeeded and won the competition without any trouble at all. After that day of crushed feelings and complete depression, I realized that doubt was no longer an issue in my thoughts if I kept the doubt out. I became in control of my own mind, and I have remained to be in control of my mind. The run of negativity and dejection can not be just glanced over in my mind rather fought out for justice of my own body and actions.[/quote]
Drill Down
Moderators: Moderator, Global Moderator
Drill Down
Wayne...get a cup of coffee...you're going to need it LOL. I've reserved my general comments on your story until the end of the edited comments.
[b] and to plan for it as best and perfect as possible [/b]
should be: "as best and as perfectly as possible"
[b] rarely go the way I want them to go [/b]
lose the second "go"
[b] Just like any other situation, this one had no exceptions to my pessimistic thinking. [/b]
"Just like any other situation, this one also fell victim to my pessimistic thinking."
[b] The black soundless dorm room had made it one of the best places for me to collect my thoughts in the past week much like my own room did for me at home, so I lied down in my bed to think of what was to come of the last day of our pre-season band camp. [/b]
The black, soundless dorm room had become one of the best places for me to collect my thoughts over the past week, much like my own room did for me at home. So I laid down in my bed to think about what would be our last day of pre-season band camp.
[b] over the speakers swamped my thinking but the biggest thing I could remember was the mistake I made in our drill down competition. [/b]
tumbled over themselves in my head, culminating with the mistake I made during our drill down competition.
[b] Drill down was the name of our band competition that determined [/b]
Drill down was the band competition which determined
[b] usually an upper classmen that had been [/b]
upper classman who had been
[b] overwhelmed me so much that I could feel the touch of the warm hand that touched my shoulder, and crushed all my feelings of accomplishment. [/b]
overwhelmed me so much, I could still feel the warm touch of the hand that touched my shoulder, crushing every feeling of accomplishment I had carried with me throughout the year.
[b] I could also hear the voice of the staff member as he said, “You need work on your backwards march, maybe next year.” This was absolutely devastating to me, but I recovered eventually keeping in mind that next year was going to be here soon enough. [/b]
The voice of the staff member was still clear in my mind and I heard him say again "you need work on your backwards march, maybe next year." His words completely devastated me but eventually I recovered and pinned my hopes on the next year.
[b] This is my year, I thought, [/b]
"This is my year," I thought,
[b] block formation ready [/b]
formation, ready
[b] away as he taped my shoulder. [/b]
tapped
[b] traditional drum cadence throughout the dorm halls [/b]
played throughout the dorm halls
[b] sarcastic “GOODMORNING” followed by a grumble in reply from the tired and worn out section. [/b]
"GOOD MORNING," followed by an ensemble of grumbled replies from our tired, worn out section.
[b] to band things such as learning [/b]
band things, and especially
[b] just to watch and listen much like people [/b]
and listen; much like people
[b] deer that pokes it’s head out [/b]
its
[b] also one to note considering that she [/b]
to note, considering
[b] She was an amazing section leader, as well an amazing friend during my times of need that particular year. [/b]
Elise was an amazing section and a treasured friend, particularly during my times of need that year.
[b] four steps away from each other just as the sun was just coming over the surrounding buildings making the glare almost unbearable. [/b]
four steps away from the next, just as the sun began to rise over the surrounding buildings, make the glare almost unbearable.
[b] to look for in the later drill down block to tap people out. [/b]
to look for later during the drill down block eliminations.
[b] After an hour of marching our basic fundamentals, our Vice-Principle of the school, whom was also a staff member, came up to me and said that he had placed his staff bets on me for the afternoon drill down. Immediately I looked at him and asked,
“Why?”
He gave me a confused look and said, “Because you are one of the best marchers out here, and I think you can win this today. I never lose this bet, you know that.”
he walked off with a smile on his face back to the sidelines to continue watching other people around the band. [/b]
fundamentals, our Vice Principal came up to me and said that he had placed his staff bets on me for the afternoon drill down. I looked at him in shock and asked why? He gave me a confused look and said, "because you are one of the best marchers out here, and I think you can this today." Then, just to put added pressure on me he continued, saying, "I never lose this bet, you know that." With that, he turned and walked away with a smile on his face, and continued watching the other marchers from the sidelines.
**saying that the vice principal is also a staff member is redundant and not necessary**
[b] in the old dark dreary cafeteria [/b]
dark and dreary
[b] and I saw Elise walking towards me. She sat down right next to me and said, “You are lookin pretty good out there on that field you know that?”
“Really?” I said questionably awaiting more response from her. [/b]
and saw Elise walking towards me. She sat down next to me and said, "you are looking pretty good out there, you know that?" "Really?" I replied, awaiting more response from her.
**the use of the question mark punctuation makes "questionably" redundant. Another way to write this could be:
"Really?" I replied, all the while sure that my surprise at her confidence in me was written plainly all over my face.
[b] had seen me march all week [/b]
marching
[b] with it’s strong smells [/b]
its
[b] on the side line was ear piercing, and began to distract me from the competition itself. [/b]
sidelines was ear piercing, and it began
[b] The Drill instructor [/b]
either Drill Instructor or drill instructor, not half and half.
[b] “Hey, what you doing? You okay?” [/b]
what're you doing?
[b] Yeah, I’m ok, Jade”, I said as I shook my head trying to come out of my day dreaming. [/b]
"Oh!! Yeah, I'm okay, Jade" I said, shaking the day dreams out of my head.
[b] minute there!” , Jade [/b]
take out the comma
[b] stuff.” I said hoping she would forget about it quickly. [/b]
stuff," I replied, hoping
** you use "said" too much, btw
[b] He told us the rules, and introduced who the drill instructor would be for the competition, Mr. Moreaux. [/b]
He went over the competition rules, and announced that Mr. Moreaux would be the drill instructor
**If you chose to capitalize drill instructor earlier, capitalize it here as well.
[b] I could smell the grass just freshly cut and the fumes from the paint that was just put down this morning. The band members quickly fell inline in a four step interval block in the attention position. The competition had begun. [/b]
I could smell the freshly cut grass and the fumes from the paint, brightly marking each yard on the field. The band members quickly took up their places, standing at attention in the four step block formation. Our competition had begun.
** you also use "just" too much
[b] Mr. Moreaux called us down into a relax position and called us back up to attention. [/b]
Mr. Moreaux called us down into a relax position, then back up to stand at attention.
[b] It was a simple drill just to see who could hold up their nerves. [/b]
It was a simple drill designed to see whose nerves would hold up.
[b] After about ten rounds of drill there I was standing among ten other band members. The sweat was pouring down my face and down my back as the hot sun beat down on us all. The other members were on the sidelines yelling and shouting for their friends giving them encouragement. The drill had increased in intensity and was up to a grueling speed. Mr. Moreaux said the next drill in a loud intensifying voice, “Box eights.” The Box was one of the hardest fundamentals we did especially at a fast tempo. The sidelines roared louder with encouragements for the people still left as the wooden block started to over shadow the cheering. [/b]
After about ten rounds of drill, there I was, still standing on the field with about ten other band members. Sweat poured down my face and back as the hot sun beat down on us. The other members were on the sidelines, yelling out the names friends, giving them encouragement. The drill had increased in intensity, and was up to grueling speed. Mr. Moreaux called "box eights," his voice as tense as my nerves. The Box was one of the hardest fundamentals we did, especially when done at a fast tempo. The crowd roared louder with encouragement as the wooden block started to overshadow the cheering.
[b] “MARK TIME MARK!” He yelled signaling the begging of the drill. “Forward eight!” I said to myself as my feet did the work. “Right slide eight!” I thought as I got to the pivot point. “Back eight, half way” I again continued to say to myself as the cheers became more evident in my head. “To the left” I whispered in tempo with a soft almost unspoken voice. “Forward eight again” I thought as I finished the drill. [/b]
He yelled, signaling the beginning of the drill. ........ "Back eight, halfway," I continued to say to myself.
**not knowing the drill terms, is it right slide eight or right side eight?
[b] The crowd suddenly became completely silent [/b]
The roar of the crowd went silent, as
[b] I could see them coming my way. I didn’t move a muscle. [/b]
my way, but I didn't
[b] They taped out the people on both sides of me, but not me. [/b]
They tapped out the people on both sides of me, skipping me altogether. I was still in!!
[b] “Condense the block” They exclaimed. [/b]
"Condense the block," they exclaimed.
**if only one person calls this, identify the person. Example: "Condense the block," Mr. Moreaux exclaimed. If it is a "they" identify the group who does the exclaiming.
[b] “Same drill, but backwards” Mr. Moreaux said. I suddenly became very nervous and scared. [/b]
"Same drill but backwards," Mr. Moreaux directed, sending my nerves to a new plateau of intensity.
[b] “Mark Time Mark” as called out, but this time it was much less of a boom in my ears. I could feel my heart beating every beat like a bass drum keeping tempo. As fast as the drill began the drill ended. I couldn’t’ believe that I had just finished the finial round of the drill down. Mr. Moreaux had the pick this time being the drill down instructor. [/b]
"Mark Time Mark" was called out, but the sound of my own nervous pulse in my head nearly drowned it out. I could feel my heart pounding in my chest, every beat feeling like a bass drum. Then, as fast as the drill had begun, it ended. I still couldn't believe that I had just completed the final round of the drill down. As drill instructor, Mr. Moreaux would be making this final, vital decision.
**Keep the intensity of the moment flowing. You've built up several small levels of tension throughout your story. This is the final apex of the tension before you begin your conclusion.
[b] He stood in the middle of us both and quietly told us what a good job we both had done. The sidelines were silent as if they were all called to the attention position, but my heart sounded as if it would wake the dead. [/b]
He stood between us, his voice quiet as he told us what a good job we had both done. For the first time since the competition began, the sidelines were silent, almost as if those standing there had been called to attention. Yet through these final moments, my heart felt like it was pounding hard enough to wake the dead.
[b] Mr. Moreaux started giving his closing remarks before he proclaimed the winner. He left both of us in the attention position and neither of us dared to move an inch. After his remarks were over, he began to declare the winner.
“After much thought, observations, and intensive drill, I have made a decision on the winner of this year’s drill down competition.” [/b]
Mr. Moreaux turned to the audience to begin his closing remarks, his final words before he announced the competition's winner. He left us standing at attention, and neither of us dared to move a muscle. I tried to focus on what he was saying, wishing my heart rate would slow to at least something close to normal.
"After much thought, observation and intensive drill, I have reached a decision as to who will be the winner of this year's drill down competition."
[b] He walked back over and stood between us with Mark on his left and me on his right. He picked up his right hand from his side and reached over to tap one of us on the shoulder. I felt his warm hand touch my shoulder as he said, “I thought you would win. You were looking the best, but that last run just didn’t do it. I’m sorry.” The sidelines cheered and everyone stood up to go back to their dorms to pick up and go home. I had been once again crushed. [/b]
Mr. Moreaux walked over and stood between us, Mark on his left and me on his right. I felt rather than saw him lift his right hand, reaching over to tap one of us on the shoulder. I felt his fingers touch my shoulder as he said, "I thought you would win. You were looking the best, but that last run just didn't do it for you. I'm sorry, Wayne." The crowd cheered Mark as the winner, and then everyone began to head back to their dorms to prepare for the journeys home. Once again, I was crushed.
[b] Since this day, I have learned a lot about life in general and about mind control. I learned to stay in control of my own thoughts, as well as my actions. The next year I succeeded and won the competition without any trouble at all. After that day of crushed feelings and complete depression, I realized that doubt was no longer an issue in my thoughts if I kept the doubt out. I became in control of my own mind, and I have remained to be in control of my mind. The run of negativity and dejection can not be just glanced over in my mind rather fought out for justice of my own body and actions. [/b]
Since that hot summer day, I have learned much about life in general, and about controlling our mindsets. I have learned how to stay in control of my own thoughts and actions. The following year, I was successful in winning the competition without any problems at all. With reflection of the previous competition, and as I came to terms with my crushed feelings and utter depression, I realized that self-doubt would not be an issue if I could learn to hold that self-doubt at bay. I took control of my own mind, and have continued to make a concious effort to do so, no matter the situation. The run of negativity and dejection is over, I fought for possession of my mind with positivity and confidence, and I won.
~~~
Overall, you wrote a very good article, Wayne. I went through it as an editor would, and the changes I've made (other than the spelling and grammar corrections) are nothing more than suggestions for ways to convey your message and emotions in a more concise way. You are welcome to use the suggestions or not, that's up to you. <img src=\'http://www.killanet.net/forum3/public/s ... /smile.gif\' class=\'bbc_emoticon\' alt=\':)\' /> Well done <img src=\'http://www.killanet.net/forum3/public/s ... >/good.gif\' class=\'bbc_emoticon\' alt=\'(Y)\' />
[b] and to plan for it as best and perfect as possible [/b]
should be: "as best and as perfectly as possible"
[b] rarely go the way I want them to go [/b]
lose the second "go"
[b] Just like any other situation, this one had no exceptions to my pessimistic thinking. [/b]
"Just like any other situation, this one also fell victim to my pessimistic thinking."
[b] The black soundless dorm room had made it one of the best places for me to collect my thoughts in the past week much like my own room did for me at home, so I lied down in my bed to think of what was to come of the last day of our pre-season band camp. [/b]
The black, soundless dorm room had become one of the best places for me to collect my thoughts over the past week, much like my own room did for me at home. So I laid down in my bed to think about what would be our last day of pre-season band camp.
[b] over the speakers swamped my thinking but the biggest thing I could remember was the mistake I made in our drill down competition. [/b]
tumbled over themselves in my head, culminating with the mistake I made during our drill down competition.
[b] Drill down was the name of our band competition that determined [/b]
Drill down was the band competition which determined
[b] usually an upper classmen that had been [/b]
upper classman who had been
[b] overwhelmed me so much that I could feel the touch of the warm hand that touched my shoulder, and crushed all my feelings of accomplishment. [/b]
overwhelmed me so much, I could still feel the warm touch of the hand that touched my shoulder, crushing every feeling of accomplishment I had carried with me throughout the year.
[b] I could also hear the voice of the staff member as he said, “You need work on your backwards march, maybe next year.” This was absolutely devastating to me, but I recovered eventually keeping in mind that next year was going to be here soon enough. [/b]
The voice of the staff member was still clear in my mind and I heard him say again "you need work on your backwards march, maybe next year." His words completely devastated me but eventually I recovered and pinned my hopes on the next year.
[b] This is my year, I thought, [/b]
"This is my year," I thought,
[b] block formation ready [/b]
formation, ready
[b] away as he taped my shoulder. [/b]
tapped
[b] traditional drum cadence throughout the dorm halls [/b]
played throughout the dorm halls
[b] sarcastic “GOODMORNING” followed by a grumble in reply from the tired and worn out section. [/b]
"GOOD MORNING," followed by an ensemble of grumbled replies from our tired, worn out section.
[b] to band things such as learning [/b]
band things, and especially
[b] just to watch and listen much like people [/b]
and listen; much like people
[b] deer that pokes it’s head out [/b]
its
[b] also one to note considering that she [/b]
to note, considering
[b] She was an amazing section leader, as well an amazing friend during my times of need that particular year. [/b]
Elise was an amazing section and a treasured friend, particularly during my times of need that year.
[b] four steps away from each other just as the sun was just coming over the surrounding buildings making the glare almost unbearable. [/b]
four steps away from the next, just as the sun began to rise over the surrounding buildings, make the glare almost unbearable.
[b] to look for in the later drill down block to tap people out. [/b]
to look for later during the drill down block eliminations.
[b] After an hour of marching our basic fundamentals, our Vice-Principle of the school, whom was also a staff member, came up to me and said that he had placed his staff bets on me for the afternoon drill down. Immediately I looked at him and asked,
“Why?”
He gave me a confused look and said, “Because you are one of the best marchers out here, and I think you can win this today. I never lose this bet, you know that.”
he walked off with a smile on his face back to the sidelines to continue watching other people around the band. [/b]
fundamentals, our Vice Principal came up to me and said that he had placed his staff bets on me for the afternoon drill down. I looked at him in shock and asked why? He gave me a confused look and said, "because you are one of the best marchers out here, and I think you can this today." Then, just to put added pressure on me he continued, saying, "I never lose this bet, you know that." With that, he turned and walked away with a smile on his face, and continued watching the other marchers from the sidelines.
**saying that the vice principal is also a staff member is redundant and not necessary**
[b] in the old dark dreary cafeteria [/b]
dark and dreary
[b] and I saw Elise walking towards me. She sat down right next to me and said, “You are lookin pretty good out there on that field you know that?”
“Really?” I said questionably awaiting more response from her. [/b]
and saw Elise walking towards me. She sat down next to me and said, "you are looking pretty good out there, you know that?" "Really?" I replied, awaiting more response from her.
**the use of the question mark punctuation makes "questionably" redundant. Another way to write this could be:
"Really?" I replied, all the while sure that my surprise at her confidence in me was written plainly all over my face.
[b] had seen me march all week [/b]
marching
[b] with it’s strong smells [/b]
its
[b] on the side line was ear piercing, and began to distract me from the competition itself. [/b]
sidelines was ear piercing, and it began
[b] The Drill instructor [/b]
either Drill Instructor or drill instructor, not half and half.
[b] “Hey, what you doing? You okay?” [/b]
what're you doing?
[b] Yeah, I’m ok, Jade”, I said as I shook my head trying to come out of my day dreaming. [/b]
"Oh!! Yeah, I'm okay, Jade" I said, shaking the day dreams out of my head.
[b] minute there!” , Jade [/b]
take out the comma
[b] stuff.” I said hoping she would forget about it quickly. [/b]
stuff," I replied, hoping
** you use "said" too much, btw
[b] He told us the rules, and introduced who the drill instructor would be for the competition, Mr. Moreaux. [/b]
He went over the competition rules, and announced that Mr. Moreaux would be the drill instructor
**If you chose to capitalize drill instructor earlier, capitalize it here as well.
[b] I could smell the grass just freshly cut and the fumes from the paint that was just put down this morning. The band members quickly fell inline in a four step interval block in the attention position. The competition had begun. [/b]
I could smell the freshly cut grass and the fumes from the paint, brightly marking each yard on the field. The band members quickly took up their places, standing at attention in the four step block formation. Our competition had begun.
** you also use "just" too much
[b] Mr. Moreaux called us down into a relax position and called us back up to attention. [/b]
Mr. Moreaux called us down into a relax position, then back up to stand at attention.
[b] It was a simple drill just to see who could hold up their nerves. [/b]
It was a simple drill designed to see whose nerves would hold up.
[b] After about ten rounds of drill there I was standing among ten other band members. The sweat was pouring down my face and down my back as the hot sun beat down on us all. The other members were on the sidelines yelling and shouting for their friends giving them encouragement. The drill had increased in intensity and was up to a grueling speed. Mr. Moreaux said the next drill in a loud intensifying voice, “Box eights.” The Box was one of the hardest fundamentals we did especially at a fast tempo. The sidelines roared louder with encouragements for the people still left as the wooden block started to over shadow the cheering. [/b]
After about ten rounds of drill, there I was, still standing on the field with about ten other band members. Sweat poured down my face and back as the hot sun beat down on us. The other members were on the sidelines, yelling out the names friends, giving them encouragement. The drill had increased in intensity, and was up to grueling speed. Mr. Moreaux called "box eights," his voice as tense as my nerves. The Box was one of the hardest fundamentals we did, especially when done at a fast tempo. The crowd roared louder with encouragement as the wooden block started to overshadow the cheering.
[b] “MARK TIME MARK!” He yelled signaling the begging of the drill. “Forward eight!” I said to myself as my feet did the work. “Right slide eight!” I thought as I got to the pivot point. “Back eight, half way” I again continued to say to myself as the cheers became more evident in my head. “To the left” I whispered in tempo with a soft almost unspoken voice. “Forward eight again” I thought as I finished the drill. [/b]
He yelled, signaling the beginning of the drill. ........ "Back eight, halfway," I continued to say to myself.
**not knowing the drill terms, is it right slide eight or right side eight?
[b] The crowd suddenly became completely silent [/b]
The roar of the crowd went silent, as
[b] I could see them coming my way. I didn’t move a muscle. [/b]
my way, but I didn't
[b] They taped out the people on both sides of me, but not me. [/b]
They tapped out the people on both sides of me, skipping me altogether. I was still in!!
[b] “Condense the block” They exclaimed. [/b]
"Condense the block," they exclaimed.
**if only one person calls this, identify the person. Example: "Condense the block," Mr. Moreaux exclaimed. If it is a "they" identify the group who does the exclaiming.
[b] “Same drill, but backwards” Mr. Moreaux said. I suddenly became very nervous and scared. [/b]
"Same drill but backwards," Mr. Moreaux directed, sending my nerves to a new plateau of intensity.
[b] “Mark Time Mark” as called out, but this time it was much less of a boom in my ears. I could feel my heart beating every beat like a bass drum keeping tempo. As fast as the drill began the drill ended. I couldn’t’ believe that I had just finished the finial round of the drill down. Mr. Moreaux had the pick this time being the drill down instructor. [/b]
"Mark Time Mark" was called out, but the sound of my own nervous pulse in my head nearly drowned it out. I could feel my heart pounding in my chest, every beat feeling like a bass drum. Then, as fast as the drill had begun, it ended. I still couldn't believe that I had just completed the final round of the drill down. As drill instructor, Mr. Moreaux would be making this final, vital decision.
**Keep the intensity of the moment flowing. You've built up several small levels of tension throughout your story. This is the final apex of the tension before you begin your conclusion.
[b] He stood in the middle of us both and quietly told us what a good job we both had done. The sidelines were silent as if they were all called to the attention position, but my heart sounded as if it would wake the dead. [/b]
He stood between us, his voice quiet as he told us what a good job we had both done. For the first time since the competition began, the sidelines were silent, almost as if those standing there had been called to attention. Yet through these final moments, my heart felt like it was pounding hard enough to wake the dead.
[b] Mr. Moreaux started giving his closing remarks before he proclaimed the winner. He left both of us in the attention position and neither of us dared to move an inch. After his remarks were over, he began to declare the winner.
“After much thought, observations, and intensive drill, I have made a decision on the winner of this year’s drill down competition.” [/b]
Mr. Moreaux turned to the audience to begin his closing remarks, his final words before he announced the competition's winner. He left us standing at attention, and neither of us dared to move a muscle. I tried to focus on what he was saying, wishing my heart rate would slow to at least something close to normal.
"After much thought, observation and intensive drill, I have reached a decision as to who will be the winner of this year's drill down competition."
[b] He walked back over and stood between us with Mark on his left and me on his right. He picked up his right hand from his side and reached over to tap one of us on the shoulder. I felt his warm hand touch my shoulder as he said, “I thought you would win. You were looking the best, but that last run just didn’t do it. I’m sorry.” The sidelines cheered and everyone stood up to go back to their dorms to pick up and go home. I had been once again crushed. [/b]
Mr. Moreaux walked over and stood between us, Mark on his left and me on his right. I felt rather than saw him lift his right hand, reaching over to tap one of us on the shoulder. I felt his fingers touch my shoulder as he said, "I thought you would win. You were looking the best, but that last run just didn't do it for you. I'm sorry, Wayne." The crowd cheered Mark as the winner, and then everyone began to head back to their dorms to prepare for the journeys home. Once again, I was crushed.
[b] Since this day, I have learned a lot about life in general and about mind control. I learned to stay in control of my own thoughts, as well as my actions. The next year I succeeded and won the competition without any trouble at all. After that day of crushed feelings and complete depression, I realized that doubt was no longer an issue in my thoughts if I kept the doubt out. I became in control of my own mind, and I have remained to be in control of my mind. The run of negativity and dejection can not be just glanced over in my mind rather fought out for justice of my own body and actions. [/b]
Since that hot summer day, I have learned much about life in general, and about controlling our mindsets. I have learned how to stay in control of my own thoughts and actions. The following year, I was successful in winning the competition without any problems at all. With reflection of the previous competition, and as I came to terms with my crushed feelings and utter depression, I realized that self-doubt would not be an issue if I could learn to hold that self-doubt at bay. I took control of my own mind, and have continued to make a concious effort to do so, no matter the situation. The run of negativity and dejection is over, I fought for possession of my mind with positivity and confidence, and I won.
~~~
Overall, you wrote a very good article, Wayne. I went through it as an editor would, and the changes I've made (other than the spelling and grammar corrections) are nothing more than suggestions for ways to convey your message and emotions in a more concise way. You are welcome to use the suggestions or not, that's up to you. <img src=\'http://www.killanet.net/forum3/public/s ... /smile.gif\' class=\'bbc_emoticon\' alt=\':)\' /> Well done <img src=\'http://www.killanet.net/forum3/public/s ... >/good.gif\' class=\'bbc_emoticon\' alt=\'(Y)\' />
Last edited by Tami on Fri Sep 16, 2005 7:54 am, edited 1 time in total.
[color=\"#41211C\"]It takes years to build up trust and only seconds to destroy it
[/color]
Drill Down
here is the revised copy shortened down. just give comments .... spellings if it's there....whatever you like really....
[quote]As humans, we sometimes visualize what will occur in certain situations before the situation even becomes reality. It is just the nature of the human race to be curious about the future, and to plan for it as best and as perfectly as possible. My problem occurs when I realize that things rarely go the way I want them to, and the plan just becomes wishful thinking. Doubt becomes my worst enemy and begins a treacherous cycle of negativity which ultimately brings me from an okay life down to a state of dejection and hopelessness well before I even give myself a chance. Just like any other situation, this one also fell victim to my pessimistic thinking.
It was late at night, and I had finally made my way into bed in my dorm room. The entire band had been staying in the same dorm that week on a campus different from our own. The black, soundless dorm room had become one of the best places for me to collect my thoughts over the past week, much like my own room did for me at home. So I laid down in my bed to think about what would be our last day of pre-season band camp. Last year’s band camp filled my head instead, and I started to get warm with embarrassment at some of the thing things I had done in my freshmen year of high school. Thoughts, from the first time I tried to take a step forward in a marching style to making mistakes and being called out, tumbled over themselves in my head, but the mistake that over-powered my mind was the one I made during our drill down competition.
Drill down was the band competition that determined who was the best marcher inside the band aside from the section leaders. The award was the most anticipated and most respected award that was given all year long in the band program. The winner of this was usually an upper classman who had been in the band program for several years and had plenty experience.
Seeing the mistake again from last year overwhelmed me so much that I could still feel the warm touch of the hand that touched my shoulder, crushing every feeling of accomplishment I had carried with me throughout the year. The voice of the staff member was still clear as I heard him whisper into my ear once again, "you need work on your backwards march, maybe next year." His words completely devastated me but eventually I recovered and pinned my hopes on the next year
"This is my year," I thought, and I began to feel like I was on the field. I could smell the grass clippings from the morning grass cut and the freshly sprayed paint that marked the yard lines. I could vividly see us all lined up in a four step interval block formation ready to begin the competition with the staff members on the outside ready to go around and tap the students on the shoulder to end their competition. As we were called to attention, I saw a staff member walk in my direction. It was inevitable, I knew I was gone. “Better luck next year,” I heard him say and walk away as he tapped my shoulder. Dead with anxiety, I fell into a hard disgusted sleep.
Early the next morning, we were woken up by the traditional drum cadence played throughout the dorm halls. Everyone quickly got ready because we all knew that today was the day of the famous drill down. As we quietly warmed up our muscles to prepare ourselves for the day, I visualized the drill down again, but this time it ended a little better. I saw myself making it to the third round of cuts, but I was still displeased with this and immediately forced it out my head. Eventually our section leader, Elise, broke the morning silence with a loud sarcastic "GOOD MORNING," followed by an ensemble of grumbled replies from our tired, worn out section.
The director called us up together to explain what we were doing for that morning’s rehearsal and the day’s schedule. We lined up in a block formation with each person exactly four steps away from the next, just as the sun began to rise over the surrounding buildings, make the glare almost unbearable. During our morning rehearsal, staff members walked throughout the band to take note of certain marching skills each band member possessed.
After an hour of marching our basic fundamentals, our Vice-Principle came up to me and said that he had placed his staff bets on me for the afternoon drill down. I looked at him shocked and asked, “Why?”
He gave me a confused look and said, “Because you are one of the best marchers out here, and I think you can win this today.” Then, just to put added pressure on me he continued, saying, “I never lose this bet, you know that.”
Soon after, the morning block came to an end and we marched to the cafeteria for our final band camp breakfast.
I sat down in the old dark cafeteria with a plate of eggs and began to eat while waiting for my friends to join me at the table.
“Hey fellow good marcher,” I heard coming from the distance.
I turned around to see who was talking to me, and saw Elise walking towards me. She sat down next to me and said, "You are looking pretty good out there, you know that?"
"Really?" I replied, awaiting more response from her.
“Yeah, I think you have a good shot at winning the drill down today.”
Confused by the sudden praise from a well respected member as well as a well respected staff member, I replied, “Thanks, I hope I do have a shot.”
As she walked away I wondered if I really did have a shot at winning the competition. I knew Mr. Moreaux was usually correct when he picked someone to win the drill down competition, and Elise knew what she was talking about because she had seen me marching all week long. I immediately began to see that field once more in my head with its strong smells and rich atmosphere. This time I could see myself and only two other people left standing on the field awaiting commands. The noise from the screaming band members on the sidelines was ear piercing, and it began to distract me from the competition itself. I could hear my section chanting my name over and over again. The drill instructor called out the command, “mark-time four for nothing, forward march eight, rock step back eight, rock-step forward until you get a halt.” He gave his tempo with the striking of the wooden block. The tempo was around one hundred and fifty beats per minute I figured. “Mark time Mark” he screamed and I began to follow the commands.
“Hey, what you’re doing? You okay?”
"Oh! Yeah, I'm okay, Jade" I said, shaking the day dreams out of my head.
“I thought you were going to fall out your chair for a minute there!” Jade said with bit of a laugh in her voice.
“I’m okay, I was just thinking about some stuff,” I replied, hoping she would forget about it quickly.
Breakfast had come and gone in no time at all. Now it was time for competition. The band director, Mr. Adams, led us outside to the field and it was just as I had anticipated I could smell the freshly cut grass and the fumes from the paint, brightly marking each yard on the field. The band members quickly took up their places, standing at attention in the four step block formation. Our competition had begun. Mr. Moreaux, the drill instructor for the competition, called us down into a relax position, then back up to stand at attention. Immediately about thirty people were tapped out for bad posture or breaking attention with movement of some sort. He announced over the speaker the first drill, “Mark time eight and halt. It was a simple drill to see whose nerves would hold up.
After about ten rounds of drill, there I was, still standing on the field with about ten other band members. Sweat poured down my face and back as the hot sun beat down on us. The other members were on the sidelines, yelling out the names friends, giving them encouragement. The drill had increased in intensity, and was up to grueling speed. Mr. Moreaux called "box eights," his voice as tense as my nerves. The Box was one of the hardest fundamentals we did, especially when done at a fast tempo. The crowd roared louder with encouragement, but the wooden block started to overshadow the cheering.
“MARK TIME MARK!” He yelled signaling the beginning of the drill. “Forward eight!” I said to myself as my feet did the work. “Right slide eight!” I thought as I got to the pivot point. “Back eight, halfway” I again continued to say to myself as the cheers became more evident in my head. “To the left” I whispered in tempo with a soft almost unspoken voice. “Forward eight again” I thought as I finished the drill.
The roar of the crowd went silent, as now only a few select staff members walked through to tap people out at the end of the drill. I could see them coming my way, but I didn’t move a muscle. They tapped out the people on both sides of me, skipping me altogether. I was still in! "Condense the block," Mr. Moreaux exclaimed. We closed the holes and formed one straight line with only two of us left, Mark and myself.
“Same drill, but backwards,” Mr. Moreaux directed, sending my nerves to a new plateau of intensity. The crowed began to chant my name so loudly that I couldn’t even hear the chats for Mark. The tempo rang out over the field and the cheers suddenly stopped. It was silent. "Mark Time Mark" was called out, but the sound of my own nervous pulse in my head nearly drowned it out. I could feel my heart pounding in my chest, every beat feeling like a bass drum. Then, as fast as the drill had begun, it ended. I still couldn't believe that I had just completed the final round of the drill down. As drill instructor, Mr. Moreaux would be making this final, vital decision. The sidelines were silent almost as if those standing there had been called to attention awaiting the final word of who had won. Yet through these final moments my heart felt like it was pounding hard enough to wake the dead. Mr. Moreaux turned to the audience to begin his closing remarks before he announced the competition's winner. He left us standing at attention, and neither of us dared to move a muscle. I tried to focus on what he was saying, wishing my heart rate would slow to at least something close to normal.
"After much thought, observation and intensive drill, I have reached a decision as to who will be the winner of this year's drill down competition," He said as he walked over between us.
As he stood with Mark on his left and me on his right, I sensed him lift his right hand, reaching over to tap one of us on the shoulder. I felt his fingers touch my shoulder as he said, "I thought you would win. You were looking the best, but that last run just didn't do it for you. I'm sorry, Wayne." The crowd cheered Mark as the winner, and then everyone began to head back to their dorms to prepare for the journeys home. Once again, I was crushed.
Since that hot summer day, I have learned much about life in general, and about controlling my mindsets. The following year, I was successful in winning the competition without any problems at all. With reflection of the previous competition, and as I came to terms with my crushed feelings and utter depression, I realized that self-doubt would not be an issue if I could learn to hold that self-doubt at bay. I took control of my own mind, and have continued to make a conscious effort to do so, no matter the situation. The run of negativity and dejection is over, I fought for possession of my mind and my thoughts with positivity and confidence, and I won.[/quote]
[quote]As humans, we sometimes visualize what will occur in certain situations before the situation even becomes reality. It is just the nature of the human race to be curious about the future, and to plan for it as best and as perfectly as possible. My problem occurs when I realize that things rarely go the way I want them to, and the plan just becomes wishful thinking. Doubt becomes my worst enemy and begins a treacherous cycle of negativity which ultimately brings me from an okay life down to a state of dejection and hopelessness well before I even give myself a chance. Just like any other situation, this one also fell victim to my pessimistic thinking.
It was late at night, and I had finally made my way into bed in my dorm room. The entire band had been staying in the same dorm that week on a campus different from our own. The black, soundless dorm room had become one of the best places for me to collect my thoughts over the past week, much like my own room did for me at home. So I laid down in my bed to think about what would be our last day of pre-season band camp. Last year’s band camp filled my head instead, and I started to get warm with embarrassment at some of the thing things I had done in my freshmen year of high school. Thoughts, from the first time I tried to take a step forward in a marching style to making mistakes and being called out, tumbled over themselves in my head, but the mistake that over-powered my mind was the one I made during our drill down competition.
Drill down was the band competition that determined who was the best marcher inside the band aside from the section leaders. The award was the most anticipated and most respected award that was given all year long in the band program. The winner of this was usually an upper classman who had been in the band program for several years and had plenty experience.
Seeing the mistake again from last year overwhelmed me so much that I could still feel the warm touch of the hand that touched my shoulder, crushing every feeling of accomplishment I had carried with me throughout the year. The voice of the staff member was still clear as I heard him whisper into my ear once again, "you need work on your backwards march, maybe next year." His words completely devastated me but eventually I recovered and pinned my hopes on the next year
"This is my year," I thought, and I began to feel like I was on the field. I could smell the grass clippings from the morning grass cut and the freshly sprayed paint that marked the yard lines. I could vividly see us all lined up in a four step interval block formation ready to begin the competition with the staff members on the outside ready to go around and tap the students on the shoulder to end their competition. As we were called to attention, I saw a staff member walk in my direction. It was inevitable, I knew I was gone. “Better luck next year,” I heard him say and walk away as he tapped my shoulder. Dead with anxiety, I fell into a hard disgusted sleep.
Early the next morning, we were woken up by the traditional drum cadence played throughout the dorm halls. Everyone quickly got ready because we all knew that today was the day of the famous drill down. As we quietly warmed up our muscles to prepare ourselves for the day, I visualized the drill down again, but this time it ended a little better. I saw myself making it to the third round of cuts, but I was still displeased with this and immediately forced it out my head. Eventually our section leader, Elise, broke the morning silence with a loud sarcastic "GOOD MORNING," followed by an ensemble of grumbled replies from our tired, worn out section.
The director called us up together to explain what we were doing for that morning’s rehearsal and the day’s schedule. We lined up in a block formation with each person exactly four steps away from the next, just as the sun began to rise over the surrounding buildings, make the glare almost unbearable. During our morning rehearsal, staff members walked throughout the band to take note of certain marching skills each band member possessed.
After an hour of marching our basic fundamentals, our Vice-Principle came up to me and said that he had placed his staff bets on me for the afternoon drill down. I looked at him shocked and asked, “Why?”
He gave me a confused look and said, “Because you are one of the best marchers out here, and I think you can win this today.” Then, just to put added pressure on me he continued, saying, “I never lose this bet, you know that.”
Soon after, the morning block came to an end and we marched to the cafeteria for our final band camp breakfast.
I sat down in the old dark cafeteria with a plate of eggs and began to eat while waiting for my friends to join me at the table.
“Hey fellow good marcher,” I heard coming from the distance.
I turned around to see who was talking to me, and saw Elise walking towards me. She sat down next to me and said, "You are looking pretty good out there, you know that?"
"Really?" I replied, awaiting more response from her.
“Yeah, I think you have a good shot at winning the drill down today.”
Confused by the sudden praise from a well respected member as well as a well respected staff member, I replied, “Thanks, I hope I do have a shot.”
As she walked away I wondered if I really did have a shot at winning the competition. I knew Mr. Moreaux was usually correct when he picked someone to win the drill down competition, and Elise knew what she was talking about because she had seen me marching all week long. I immediately began to see that field once more in my head with its strong smells and rich atmosphere. This time I could see myself and only two other people left standing on the field awaiting commands. The noise from the screaming band members on the sidelines was ear piercing, and it began to distract me from the competition itself. I could hear my section chanting my name over and over again. The drill instructor called out the command, “mark-time four for nothing, forward march eight, rock step back eight, rock-step forward until you get a halt.” He gave his tempo with the striking of the wooden block. The tempo was around one hundred and fifty beats per minute I figured. “Mark time Mark” he screamed and I began to follow the commands.
“Hey, what you’re doing? You okay?”
"Oh! Yeah, I'm okay, Jade" I said, shaking the day dreams out of my head.
“I thought you were going to fall out your chair for a minute there!” Jade said with bit of a laugh in her voice.
“I’m okay, I was just thinking about some stuff,” I replied, hoping she would forget about it quickly.
Breakfast had come and gone in no time at all. Now it was time for competition. The band director, Mr. Adams, led us outside to the field and it was just as I had anticipated I could smell the freshly cut grass and the fumes from the paint, brightly marking each yard on the field. The band members quickly took up their places, standing at attention in the four step block formation. Our competition had begun. Mr. Moreaux, the drill instructor for the competition, called us down into a relax position, then back up to stand at attention. Immediately about thirty people were tapped out for bad posture or breaking attention with movement of some sort. He announced over the speaker the first drill, “Mark time eight and halt. It was a simple drill to see whose nerves would hold up.
After about ten rounds of drill, there I was, still standing on the field with about ten other band members. Sweat poured down my face and back as the hot sun beat down on us. The other members were on the sidelines, yelling out the names friends, giving them encouragement. The drill had increased in intensity, and was up to grueling speed. Mr. Moreaux called "box eights," his voice as tense as my nerves. The Box was one of the hardest fundamentals we did, especially when done at a fast tempo. The crowd roared louder with encouragement, but the wooden block started to overshadow the cheering.
“MARK TIME MARK!” He yelled signaling the beginning of the drill. “Forward eight!” I said to myself as my feet did the work. “Right slide eight!” I thought as I got to the pivot point. “Back eight, halfway” I again continued to say to myself as the cheers became more evident in my head. “To the left” I whispered in tempo with a soft almost unspoken voice. “Forward eight again” I thought as I finished the drill.
The roar of the crowd went silent, as now only a few select staff members walked through to tap people out at the end of the drill. I could see them coming my way, but I didn’t move a muscle. They tapped out the people on both sides of me, skipping me altogether. I was still in! "Condense the block," Mr. Moreaux exclaimed. We closed the holes and formed one straight line with only two of us left, Mark and myself.
“Same drill, but backwards,” Mr. Moreaux directed, sending my nerves to a new plateau of intensity. The crowed began to chant my name so loudly that I couldn’t even hear the chats for Mark. The tempo rang out over the field and the cheers suddenly stopped. It was silent. "Mark Time Mark" was called out, but the sound of my own nervous pulse in my head nearly drowned it out. I could feel my heart pounding in my chest, every beat feeling like a bass drum. Then, as fast as the drill had begun, it ended. I still couldn't believe that I had just completed the final round of the drill down. As drill instructor, Mr. Moreaux would be making this final, vital decision. The sidelines were silent almost as if those standing there had been called to attention awaiting the final word of who had won. Yet through these final moments my heart felt like it was pounding hard enough to wake the dead. Mr. Moreaux turned to the audience to begin his closing remarks before he announced the competition's winner. He left us standing at attention, and neither of us dared to move a muscle. I tried to focus on what he was saying, wishing my heart rate would slow to at least something close to normal.
"After much thought, observation and intensive drill, I have reached a decision as to who will be the winner of this year's drill down competition," He said as he walked over between us.
As he stood with Mark on his left and me on his right, I sensed him lift his right hand, reaching over to tap one of us on the shoulder. I felt his fingers touch my shoulder as he said, "I thought you would win. You were looking the best, but that last run just didn't do it for you. I'm sorry, Wayne." The crowd cheered Mark as the winner, and then everyone began to head back to their dorms to prepare for the journeys home. Once again, I was crushed.
Since that hot summer day, I have learned much about life in general, and about controlling my mindsets. The following year, I was successful in winning the competition without any problems at all. With reflection of the previous competition, and as I came to terms with my crushed feelings and utter depression, I realized that self-doubt would not be an issue if I could learn to hold that self-doubt at bay. I took control of my own mind, and have continued to make a conscious effort to do so, no matter the situation. The run of negativity and dejection is over, I fought for possession of my mind and my thoughts with positivity and confidence, and I won.[/quote]
Drill Down
[b]Seeing the mistake again from last year overwhelmed[/b]
Seeing last year's mistake replay again in my head overwhelmed
[b]begin the competition with the staff members[/b]
competition, with the
[b]going to fall out your chair for[/u]
going to fall off your
[b]just as I had anticipated I could smell the[/b]
anticipated. I could
[b]“Mark time eight and halt. It[/b]
halt." It
[b]elling out the names friends,[/b]
the name of friends
[b]He yelled signaling the beginning of the drill.[/b]
He yelled,
[b]“Back eight, halfway”[/b]
"Back eight halfway,"
[b]“To the left”[/b]
"To the left,"
[b]“Forward eight again” I[/b]
"Forward eight again,"
[b]The roar of the crowd went silent,[/b]
The crowd fell silent,
[b]"Condense the block,"[/b]
block!" < he's exclaiming, so use an exclamation mark to show this.
[b]hear the chats for Mark.[/b]
chants
[b]own nervous pulse in my head[/b]
pulsing
[b]The sidelines were silent almost[/b]
silent, almost
[b]to attention awaiting the final [/b]
attention, waiting
[b]for the journeys home[/b]
for their journeys home
~~
Well done, Wayne. You should receive a very good mark for this story. <img src=\'http://www.killanet.net/forum3/public/s ... /smile.gif\' class=\'bbc_emoticon\' alt=\':)\' />
Seeing last year's mistake replay again in my head overwhelmed
[b]begin the competition with the staff members[/b]
competition, with the
[b]going to fall out your chair for[/u]
going to fall off your
[b]just as I had anticipated I could smell the[/b]
anticipated. I could
[b]“Mark time eight and halt. It[/b]
halt." It
[b]elling out the names friends,[/b]
the name of friends
[b]He yelled signaling the beginning of the drill.[/b]
He yelled,
[b]“Back eight, halfway”[/b]
"Back eight halfway,"
[b]“To the left”[/b]
"To the left,"
[b]“Forward eight again” I[/b]
"Forward eight again,"
[b]The roar of the crowd went silent,[/b]
The crowd fell silent,
[b]"Condense the block,"[/b]
block!" < he's exclaiming, so use an exclamation mark to show this.
[b]hear the chats for Mark.[/b]
chants
[b]own nervous pulse in my head[/b]
pulsing
[b]The sidelines were silent almost[/b]
silent, almost
[b]to attention awaiting the final [/b]
attention, waiting
[b]for the journeys home[/b]
for their journeys home
~~
Well done, Wayne. You should receive a very good mark for this story. <img src=\'http://www.killanet.net/forum3/public/s ... /smile.gif\' class=\'bbc_emoticon\' alt=\':)\' />
Last edited by Tami on Tue Sep 20, 2005 6:31 am, edited 1 time in total.
[color=\"#41211C\"]It takes years to build up trust and only seconds to destroy it
[/color]